Sometimes I find myself very annoying. Such as this morning at 4 a.m.
I was sleeping quite soundly (dreaming of sunshine and lollipops and toyboys) when suddenly...I woke myself up.
"Go away," I said to myself. "I'm sleeping."
"I know, but I need to talk to you," I replied.
I kept my eyes closed, feigning sleep, but it didn't work. I kept on talking to myself. Finally I sat upright in bed. "What do you want?"
"I want you to read the short story I wrote last night," I said. "I don't know if it's any good."
"Okay. I'll give it a read." I got out of bed, sat down at a table, and quietly read the story. When I finished, I put down the manuscript and stretched my arms over my head. "Nice work. It's a cute story. I like the way global warming is described through the eyes of a bumble bee."
"I did that because a bumble bee has multiple eyes, and global warming is a complicated issue." The excitement in my voice was palpable.
"Yes, I got that," I said.
"Did you like the plot? " I said. "I storyboarded the hell out of it beforehand."
"The plot is great." I stood up and paced back and forth. "But I don't think 'It was a dark and stormy night' is a good opening sentence."
I sat down at the table and leaned forward, shaking my head in protest. "But it matches the title".
"The opening sentence doesn't have to match the title," I said.
I folded my arms. "Mine always do. It's the way I stand out from the other writers."
"When did you decide that?" I said.
"Just now," I said.
"Well, then you'll have to change the title too," I said.
"Why?" I said.
"Because I read somewhere that a short story should never begin with a description of the weather," I said. "That's the kind of dumb mistake amateur writers make."
"It wasn't a description of the weather," I said."It was description of the apocalypse."
"Good point," I said. "But since the bumblebees rescue everyone in the end, it's technically not the apocalypse."
"Okay, I'll change it so everybody dies in the end, including the bumblebees," I said.
"But then what are we left with, if everybody's dead?" I said.
"We're left with a dark and stormy night," I said. "Everything will come full circle."
"Now, that would be a great story," I said. "Nobody ever wins against a circle."