Are you ever plagued with insomnia? I am. In fact, insomnia has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. My insomnia used to be a lonely condition. None of my childhood friends seemed to know what the word “insomnia” meant, let alone what it felt like. Or so they said, but maybe they just didn’t feel like talking about it. I, on the other hand, tossed the word “insomnia” around like carnival popcorn, along with all sorts of other verbiage I acquired reading Shakespeare, Thurber, Alcott and the Bible, mostly under my bedcovers with a flashlight at 2 a.m.
Lately I have lots of good company with my insomnia issues, friends and acquaintances who DO want to talk about insomnia. Why, just last summer at an outdoor picnic, a group of artists I know held forth on the dilemma of their raging sleeplessness. Everyone acknowledged insomnia is a problem not easily solved, for which I felt grateful. When I’ve landed in the wrong social group, even briefly by accident, there always seems to be some joker who says, “Insomnia can be cured if you stop drinking coffee.” First of all, that’s not true, and second of all, if it is true, I don’t want to know about it.
My artist friends at the picnic started comparing ways to get back to sleep when you wake up in the middle of the night. I should clarify that this group did not consist of serene insomniacs who pop out of bed, wrap themselves in a bathrobe and go read a nice book until they feel sleepy again. No, these guys were tormented existential types who know what it’s like to be awake at 4 a.m. with every stupid thing you’ve ever done (past, present, future) parading through your psyche like cartoon characters in the dead night sky after a worldwide nuclear explosion.
A lot of people at the picnic, including me, had great ideas about how to squish unwelcome wakefulness, but I won’t bore you with all the solutions because you probably have your own techniques. You might also be crabby because you didn’t get enough sleep last night and are tired of everyone giving you advice you didn’t ask for.
My favorite idea came from someone who said one way to get to sleep is by reciting the letters of the alphabet and matching them with fruits and vegetables.
On the night after the picnic, I decided to try out the alphabet technique. Snuggling my head into my pillow, I started with “A.”
“A is for Apple,” I said, trying not to think about Gwyneth Paltrow or the Beatles. “B is for Banana. C is for cucumbers, carrots and cupcakes.”
“Wait,” I said to myself, “that’s too many. You’re only supposed to have one.”
“Okay,” I said. “Cupcakes.”
I shook my head. “Cupcakes aren’t a vegetable.”
“Yes, cupcakes are a vegetable if they’re carrot cupcakes,” I replied.”Plus, if they have raisins they’re both a fruit and a vegetable.”
“Now that is REALLY too many fruits and vegetables,” I said. “I TOLD you to only pick ONE!”
All of this arguing with myself made me jump out of bed and stride around my loft, which totally woke me up. Then I decided to calm myself down by restarting the alphabet exercise and beginning with Z, which is a much harder letter to match to fruits and vegetables and also a sleep symbol. First I thought “Zucchini.” Then I thought “Zits.” Then I started itching all over, so I dashed into the bathroom and turned on the lights and checked my entire body for zits in the mirror. By then I was REALLY wide awake, so I sidled over to my work area and organized all my paints alphabetically…which totally calmed me down and is what I should have done in the first place.
